Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Why don't I write what I wish to write?

I have so much to say, so much to vent out, so much to share. Some of them really intriguing and interesting; some of which I have never shared with anybody nor do I think I will ever. Everyone on this earth might have shared their deepest darkest secrets with atleast one person with whom he/she is really close, but unfortunately I have never had the courage to do so and the fact that I was never that close to anyone increased the chances of me keeping my confessions to myself, as most of the time I don’t allow anyone to intrude into my private space.

Once in a while it is kind of healthy to share things with people rather than letting them boil inside you and waiting for them to explode violently. But even the exploding part has never happened with me, things definitely boil and rage and do all kinds of drama inside my heart but I just don’t let them go.

The main reason behind starting this blog was to vent out all that raging fire inside but once my name was published and all that, I started restricting myself. You might be thinking that I should have kept a pseudonym. But then what’s the point, it feels silly writing without any real identity. It would have been interesting letting the world know the real you and what you have been upto all this time on this planet and I bet reading this blog would have been far more interesting with all the spices added on to it as a result of unleashing the real me.

I do think of starting another blog which would only be filled with the best (and the worst) of my life i.e. interesting and juicy tidbits of my life and of course it will written under a pseudonym. But you never know, the lazy bum that’s me foresees it as extra time consuming and energy taking.

When you are writing about yourself in a blog it also means you are baring out your soul for the world to see which is again something I will never want. So ultimately I end up writing only that stuff which I think will not make the readers judgmental about me (not that I care a lot about people being judgmental but it still makes a difference). For an intensely private person like me, it makes sense to watch what I write and measure each word before publishing. You never know who the reader will turn out to be. If the write-up turns out to be interesting (interesting means loading personal stories to a lot of people) and once the reader gets the thrill of prying on another person’s life through a blog, it kind of gives a voyeuristic pleasure to them as they’ll want to know what is going to happen next. It may go on to become an addiction. After all who doesn’t like to snoop on another’s life, isn’t it human nature? Each one of us has a peeping tom hidden deep inside. Can you deny that?

On one hand, I am also denying myself the satisfaction I’ll get out of venting out and looking at my issues from another person’s angle and knowing what they feel about the whole thing, receiving comments from different people and discussing and maybe ultimately even solving the issue. This is when writing under a fictitious name helps, one can go on and on without any inhibitions or whatsoever. But I don’t think I have the energy to invest my time and thought process on writing two separate blogs as I feel why not write in the existing one which already has some readers. This means putting a hold on my free-flowing thoughts and curbing them. As a result of which I feel bad sometimes for not being me and not writing what I actually want to. Now what do I end up writing usually- inane stuff.

I am waiting for that moment when I will throw caution to the winds and write no holds barred, a moment when I leave all the hang-ups and start being me.


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Operative Knick-Knacks said...

I liked this post ! Simply because I have faced this too. And on thinking I came to understand some of the many reasons

1. Somehow I believe that I am not creative enough. I have lots to express, but do not have the means to do so.

2. Although I am practically anonymous, I still dont reveal my deepest darkest secret. Must have to do something with our upbringing i guess

But i feel you there. i know what you mean

shruti said...

Inspite of you being anonymous, u do want to express but still u hold it some kind of a fear, what if some1 found out ur real identity?

but in my case if i had a fictitious name, maybe i would have spilled the beans.& declared all..

Operative Knick-Knacks said...

well..its not got anything with getting caught or some form of social embarrasment, its just that when u write down what you did, it seems kinda true and real. That makes me uncomfortable

shruti said...

sometimes reality is uncomfortable

kochuthresiamma p .j said...

'I am waiting for that moment when I will throw caution to the winds and write no holds barred, a moment when I leave all the hang-ups and start being me'
the day u do that, start writing a novel. create a protagonist who's your relplica.
who knows, it might end up as a best seller.
btw, what u say is true of all bloggers, i think. we write only what we want the world to know about us

shruti said...

@ kochuthresiamma- Glad to know that many bloggers fell the same way while writing for blogs..

well I think i still have a long way to go to reach that state of openness n a free-from-fear mind. It requires lot of guts n nerves to reach that position of -'i don't care attitude'.
i am not sayin i m preparing myself to reach that state coz one can't just wake up one fine morning n say to the mirror- "i am goin to have no inhibitions from today".
That would be a 360 degree change on the personality n only time age n experience will help me reach that state of mind.

By d way kochuthresi.. do u really think audience want to read amateur books? i mean do u think i can do justice to my life in a book or for that matter justice to the book based on my life?

Thanx for telling me to write a book coz that is one of my aims in life- but based on my life, well i don't think my life is interesting enough for ppl to read n enjoy!!.. Anyway thnx 4 commenting n motivating me.. i appreciate it :)

Karthik said...

There was a bit of confusion. One moment, you want to do it, and at another, you don't want to. Dual personality, you say? (one of your posts said that) ;-)
Well, when it comes to writing, it is a creative art. And whoever writes is an artist. (You and I belong to the artistic world of writing. So let's be proud of it first.. :-) )
"The artist is the creator of beautiful things. To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's aim. No artist has ethical sympathies. An ethical sympathy in an artist is an unpardonable mannerism of style. No artist is ever morbid. The artist can express everything. Thought and language are to the artist materials for an art."
- Oscar Wilde

So don't bother much. Just go with the flow of your thoughts. Write whatever you want to write. Everyone has an opinion of his own; consider the worthy ones, and ignore the unworthy. It's the WRITING we should enjoy without bothering about its ramifications. And the thing about others being judgmental about you; why do you care, yar? Some may not like it and they shall ignore it. On the contrary, some may just relate themselves to you. (But i wouldn't agree with you if you wrote your daily activities and place it before the readers to read. That would be stupidity, or call it narcissism) By the way, anything written from the heart is always worth reading. (the last sentence was a modified quote from Oscar Wilde (again) :P )
Finally about your dream of writing a novel someday: (I read in one of your posts that you want to write a chick-lit novel by the time you are 35) Whatever you write, pls don't end up joining Chetan Bhagat's or Rajeshwari's (of 'Trust Me' fame) camp of crap. Give us something fresh and new to read. All the very best! Keep writing! :-)

P.S. Such a BIIIGGGG comment, you are wondering? Sorry; can't help it. I'm a born-freaky-extrovert! Alwaaaaayyyys need a few extra words to make my point. (And thanks very very much for your reviews on my blog. I really appreciate it)

Shruti said...

@karthik- Well, that was quite a big chunk as a comment :D
Thanx for delving deep into the other posts as well :)
Writing here is something which comes at the spur of the moment, n how much free flowing it is depends on the topic at that particular moment, though i do try to make an attempt to be true to myself.

Only time will tell whether the author dreams will materialize or not, till then i can happily scribble on here :)

Glad that u commented genuinely n started following my blog..
Thanx a ton !

sawan said...

this world would have been different if atleast one had the 'i dont care about what the society thinks about me' attitude. thats a reality we cant escape. shruti, i wud genuinely wish u start antr blog wth a pseudo name if at all u feel like u have words to express but cant cos of ur revealed identity. introverts does live a life, and maintaining a private life is the best thing we could do in such an insane world. still, if those limitations restrict ur smile for even a moment, then u r not doing justice to urself. u have all rights to be the happiest person on earth. if u need to express for that, do that. cos only u cud judge ur need. the rest of the world and I could only offer help :)