I have so much to say, so much to vent out, so much to share. Some of them really intriguing and interesting; some of which I have never shared with anybody nor do I think I will ever. Everyone on this earth might have shared their deepest darkest secrets with atleast one person with whom he/she is really close, but unfortunately I have never had the courage to do so and the fact that I was never that close to anyone increased the chances of me keeping my confessions to myself, as most of the time I don’t allow anyone to intrude into my private space.
Once in a while it is kind of healthy to share things with people rather than letting them boil inside you and waiting for them to explode violently. But even the exploding part has never happened with me, things definitely boil and rage and do all kinds of drama inside my heart but I just don’t let them go.
The main reason behind starting this blog was to vent out all that raging fire inside but once my name was published and all that, I started restricting myself. You might be thinking that I should have kept a pseudonym. But then what’s the point, it feels silly writing without any real identity. It would have been interesting letting the world know the real you and what you have been upto all this time on this planet and I bet reading this blog would have been far more interesting with all the spices added on to it as a result of unleashing the real me.
I do think of starting another blog which would only be filled with the best (and the worst) of my life i.e. interesting and juicy tidbits of my life and of course it will written under a pseudonym. But you never know, the lazy bum that’s me foresees it as extra time consuming and energy taking.
When you are writing about yourself in a blog it also means you are baring out your soul for the world to see which is again something I will never want. So ultimately I end up writing only that stuff which I think will not make the readers judgmental about me (not that I care a lot about people being judgmental but it still makes a difference). For an intensely private person like me, it makes sense to watch what I write and measure each word before publishing. You never know who the reader will turn out to be. If the write-up turns out to be interesting (interesting means loading personal stories to a lot of people) and once the reader gets the thrill of prying on another person’s life through a blog, it kind of gives a voyeuristic pleasure to them as they’ll want to know what is going to happen next. It may go on to become an addiction. After all who doesn’t like to snoop on another’s life, isn’t it human nature? Each one of us has a peeping tom hidden deep inside. Can you deny that?
On one hand, I am also denying myself the satisfaction I’ll get out of venting out and looking at my issues from another person’s angle and knowing what they feel about the whole thing, receiving comments from different people and discussing and maybe ultimately even solving the issue. This is when writing under a fictitious name helps, one can go on and on without any inhibitions or whatsoever. But I don’t think I have the energy to invest my time and thought process on writing two separate blogs as I feel why not write in the existing one which already has some readers. This means putting a hold on my free-flowing thoughts and curbing them. As a result of which I feel bad sometimes for not being me and not writing what I actually want to. Now what do I end up writing usually- inane stuff.
I am waiting for that moment when I will throw caution to the winds and write no holds barred, a moment when I leave all the hang-ups and start being me.